Its your birthday weekend, and she’s whisked you away for a spa retreat. And I want you to come home. I know I left you for a few weeks, but you had no right to welcome me back so magically, making me fall more in love with you.
I shouldn’t have looked at that smile you gave me when you saw I was back from holiday. I shouldn’t have let you hug me so tightly one too many times in the few days we spent together before she took you away. I shouldn’t have ended up in your office every night after training, laughing and talking to you for hours about unrelated gym stuff, its always ends up being just you and I left. I shouldn’t be wondering in the back of my mind what would happen if we just shut the office door one day. I shouldn’t have let you brush your legs past mine only so you could have skin on skin contact, any contact with you is electric, I know you can feel it too. I shouldn’t have been looking for you in every guy I’ve tried to date since I met you, or in every class that we take together. I shouldn’t have organised an entire week away with you to compete in a Marathon and do a road trip together, sharing a hotel that you suggested. I shouldn’t have heard you say that you ‘don’t plan on being with her by then’. I shouldn’t want to be the other girl, because I’ve been there and it hurts.
I should know better than to get feelings for you in the first place, mixing business with pleasure is never a good idea. I should stop giggling like a little girl every time you wink and smirk at me during our fitness classes you run. I should stop responding to your flirting and playfighting, I should stop making eye contact to find you’re already looking at me. I should have quit training with you six weeks ago. I should just get on with my own thing at the gym instead of letting you train with me all the time, but you always come up to me, its always you. I shouldn’t still be responding to your messages, or thinking about you, or wanting to see you, or imagining the feeling of your lips against mine, or craving your touch because it sends pulses through my body. I should have spoken my mind when you caught my eye and held my gaze ten seconds too long, and when you asked me what I was thinking about, I should have just told you how much my heart is yearning to be with you.
I shouldn’t still be feeling this way now that I have learnt about your girlfriend – all of two days ago – and that the relationship on the rocks, and you’re looking for somewhere else to live. But most of all, none of the above sentences should start with I, but WE. I shouldn’t be the only one feeling guilty, this is not a one way street, there are no mixed signals to be confused with.
It’s your birthday weekend and you’ve already messaged me to let me know you’re home now, and tomorrow I’ll have to walk into the gym and see the man that I have fallen for, and try to fizzle the chemistry between us because it feels so wrong that it’s right. And I’ll be restless again tonight wondering if I should tell you how I really feel so I can explain why I am distancing myself from you. Every day I leave you, a part of me wonders if that is what you’re waiting to hear from me, if thats all you need to hear?
I know you feel it too, its feels like its always just me and you.